Stranger Than Fiction

Inception

A group of thieves induces a man to sleep in order to enter his dream and seed an idea in his subconsciousness. During the process, one of the team members finds his own subconsciousness surfacing and melding into the dream he has invaded. Fortunately for him, he is able to distinguish and separate the elements that arise from his own psyche. He enters into the deepest level of his own unawareness to resolve his issues and finally let go of them.

Inception, Part II

A person possesses the gift to sense and empathize with others’ feelings, especially those who are close to her. Without her conscious awareness, those foreign feelings become her feelings. Their joy becomes her joy, their despair, anguish, and agitation also seep into her mind and permeate her psyche. All these emotional blueprints get amplified when she lives through events that evoke similar feelings.

Unfortunately, since she grew up surrounded by distressed souls, this woman’s empathy turns her into an emotional dumpster. The foreign sentimental waste ferments and hijacks her psyche, quickly consuming and saturating her. The garbage-clogged Qi circuits produce a bubbling series of ailments. She keeps purging her own distress, only to find herself battling continuously against a vast, endless and inexplicable pool of unwanted emotions.

Frustrations and confusion only worsen and complicate her condition. But she persists, experiments, and investigates. When she finally realizes that those are not her own emotions, she breathes a sigh of comfort. Yet she must purge these foreign pains. To do so, she enters into these unpleasant states one by one, reluctantly, completely, unreservedly. Sometimes she sees and re-lives those moments in others’ lives that produce those distress. She inhabits those emotions in another person’s psyche – this time willingly, consciously – in order to seize them and release them. To her amazement, everyone possesses a vast, secret vault of unhappy memories tucked at the deep end of unconsciousness. No, this is not the way to live, she thinks, swimming in and carrying others’ pains. She releases these pains from herself, even though she cannot release it for others yet. She has her own life to live, it must be free from others’ sentiments.

Her new life begins.

A Tigress Leap

I wish I could get well overnight.

I wish I had a magic wand that could turn me into a princess.

If someone could touch Jesus and got healed instantly, perhaps that can happen to me?

I am human, I am not immune to fantasies.

Healing is not always a linear process. On some days I feel worse than others. But when I compare myself now to a year ago, I could not be more pleased: I went from having diet taboos to being able to tolerate anything; I have discomfort rather than pain; I cut down acupuncture drastically; and most importantly, I feel tremendously better and far more hopeful. I have switched from a vicious to a virtuous cycle.

Could I have sped up the process? Perhaps. I could have put in more hours to do my homework from Silvia, and perhaps I could have scheduled a few more sessions with her soon after I completed the six weekly appointments that she recommended. But I wished to try recuperating on my own instead of leaning on her.

Some of my friends had needed less sessions, and because they started off in better states, they were able to continue on their own and reach complete recovery sooner. On the other hand there were also those who could not overcome resistance to continue the process. So I consider myself fortunate, I do what I need to do. Healing is not a competition, and I have done well: I persisted and found the right people to work with me. I pat myself on the shoulder.

Perhaps healing is not about the destination but the journey. It is an opportunity to open many doors, to glimpse what are otherwise unavailable. Each new insight and new possibility fascinates me. The process has turned me into a gentler, more caring person, less stubborn and less rigid. I learn to accept my less than optimal health, I learn to accept my entire self, sick or healthy, and I learn to accept that sometimes I don’t accept myself.

Love starts with self-love.

I have stopped thinking about when a “full recovery” will occur, because that only backfires by creating stress. I have already come a long way and minor issues have become something to manage rather than fret over. Full recovery is something I look forward to rather than a deadline I set for myself. If the last mile takes a while, I will simply cope with it. Building muscles, playing the violin, and learning a foreign language are not accomplished overnight. They require persistence and patience, and healing is no different.

As 2011 begins, as the year of the Tiger draws to an end, I am glad I have made a giant leap from frustration to feeling hopeful and renewed.

Even If It Doesn’t Cook Your Brain

The young cashier at the supermarket greeted me with a smile, his flashy white teeth a perfect contrast to his black mustache and dark and wavy hair.

I placed my basket of groceries next to the scanner but this young fellow nervously asked me to put it on the other side of the scanner. He looked a little jittery and nervous. Sensing my confusion about the basket’s placement and his uneasiness, he tried to explain.

“I get abdominal pain from standing in front of the scanner. That’s why I asked you to place the basket on the other side, so I can stand away from the machine.”

Oh.

Meanwhile, the woman cashier working adjacent to him eyed the young man with annoyance, as if he was fabricating a tale, as if he was a nuisance.

“These machines do emit energies. If you are so sensitive to vibrations from the scanner I suspect your Qi / Chi is weak.” The words rolled off my tongue. I have learned from my experience that when my Qi was weak, I would get affected by other energies easily, whether they were from living things or machines. Being able to detect energies is an asset, but not being affected by it.

The young man’s eyes lit up. “I totally believe in that! I start developing abdominal pains everyday soon after I stand in front of the scanner. I went to the doctor and he couldn’t explain it. I don’t hate my job, not at all… But as soon as I step away from my scanner the pain eases. Can you help me with my Qi? What can I do?” He was so earnest and so desperate, I wish I were a Qigong healer like Craig and Silvia.

“I do practice Qigong but unfortunately my Qi is not strong enough to help you,” I said helplessly. “Perhaps you can try wearing a plastic apron underneath this cotton apron from your firm to block the vibrations from the scanner. My Qigong teachers wrap their cell phones in ziploc bags  because the vibrations from the gadgets disrupt the Qi of our heads. It doesn’t look fashionable but it protects you.”

“That’s a great idea! I will try that.” The young man beamed.

The internet is not short of information about cooking pop corn and eggs using cell phones. Although lots of them are hoaxes, thanks to Silvia and her gift of seeing Qi with her naked eyes, I have learned that talking on cell phones does disrupt the Qi flow of one’s head. In fact, I have friends with weak Qi who develop headaches from cell phone usage. Although the vibrations do not cook my brain, my Qi is precious, my Qi is the foundation of health. Therefore, while I embrace technology, I take my precautions.

Free to Choose

I don’t want to do it.

I don’t want to deal with that.

I am reluctant to get involved.

Why me?

Etcetera, etcetera.

I feel uneasy, pushed, pressured, entrapped, bounded, manipulated.

I am starting to feel upset, frustrated, resentful, disgruntled…

Etcetera, etcetera.

As the youngest child in the family, I did not have many choices. I simply had to do what I was told, including what my siblings had refused, not matter how seemingly unreasonable or unjust that might seem to me. The perfectly obedient, unquestioning child thus accumulated massive resentment in her Gut, a fertile ground for Qi blockages. The lavish praise from the outside world for my impeccable behavior was not quite sufficient to sweeten, break down, and digest the bitterness that I had stomached.

But I am grateful that I have grown up and am free to choose. I can question authorities and steer my own course. I am a free agent. There remains a rigid, default imprint in me to acquiesce and go along with what I am supposed to do, and not follow what my Gut wants. As a result far too often the feelings of pressure and reluctance dominate me. But recognizing and consciously reminding myself that I have choices is a quantum step to break away from my deeply ingrained behavioral and emotional habits.

Sometimes, the choices I face are not all palatable. If I am unhappy at work, I can stay or quit. Neither seems desirable – staying means remaining glued to a source of unhappiness, and quitting means losing income, a source of worry. If I stay, I need to remind myself: I choose to stay for now because this is the better option, not because I am forced to. If I leave, I also need to remind myself: this is my choice, because even if it is not perfect, it is the more desirable of the two alternatives.

Of course, there is also another possibility: let the Mind create more ideas. How can I resolve the undesirable situation at work? Where else can I work? What other career paths can I pursue? How do I go about exploring that?

The HOWs are not always easy to answer. They may take time and effort. But if they can open up more exciting possibilities, the effort is worth it.

Creating choices is definitely a choice.

Yes They Can

Change.

Yes, we can. Yes, we do.

We change, and so do our needs. They constantly evolve and are part of our existence. Our needs can be material, physical, intellectual/mental, emotional, and spiritual. All of them are equally legitimate and important in the sense that they represent the driving forces of our lives. It is easy to claim the moral high ground by dismissing material needs in favor of answering spiritual needs. But a need is a need is a need. Left unanswered, it creates a void, a sense of inadequacy, a negative emotion, creating Qi blockages. Perhaps it is better to keep asking why we have a particular need, to ascertain it and differentiate it from a desire. Once we identify a need, we can ask WHY we have that need.

From a very young age I have felt the need to write, to put words together on paper.

“Why do you need to write? What does it do for you?” Silvia asked.

I have always taken for granted this urge to write, and I have been writing for years without thinking much about it. For me it was akin to a natural preference for raspberry over pineapple, or hot cider over orange juice. But Silvia’s question set off a series of thoughts. What happened when I wrote? How did the process or the act make me feel? Did I value the experience more or the end product?

“I need to write because I need to express myself, to articulate and ascertain my feelings, to get heard, to connect with others, and to get appreciated.” The words spilled out from my Gut, albeit not without some pause.

It dawned on me that writing has been my method of processing emotions, through pinpointing and expressing them tangibly in words. Searching for the right words was gratifying because it allowed me to understand and connect to how I feel. Every one has her own way of processing emotions – talking, singing, moving, painting, walking and thinking… We gravitate towards the method that is most effective for us. As the youngest child in my family, I grew up not getting my voice heard – it was always drowned by other bigger voices. So I resorted to the written words, which earned me appreciation and attention in school and subsequently from my parents.

In other words, my need to write was not a simple intellectual need but rather an amalgamation of emotional needs.

“HOW can you address these underlying yearnings, besides the need for processing your emotions?” asked Silvia. To receive respect and appreciation, the easiest way would be to start by respecting and appreciating others. What goes around comes around. There is nothing wrong with feeling a need to write. But understanding what are truly behind our needs can help us better answer them and live a more fulfilling life. With my need for appreciation and respect identified and answered via other means, I began to feel less pressure about becoming “successful” in writing, about becoming a best-selling author, or about getting appreciated by the mass. I could enjoy writing more for what it was – an act to connect with myself, a challenge to create meanings on a blank canvas. My need to write remains, but it has changed – for the better.

 

What Do You Need?

Even though I thought I was generally intuitive, ready with Gut reactions and answers to Silvia’s questions, sometimes it took me numerous attempts to hit on the right issues that caused my energy blockages. In one instance, I was completely clueless.

“What do you need?” asked Silvia.

“I would like…” I began dishing out a laundry list. The kind of list that a child would ask when praying to god or to Santa Claus.

“Are those what you WANT, or are those what you NEED?”

“…”

“It doesn’t have to be complicated. One client, for example, needed a fulfilling romantic relationship.” Silvia explained.

I tried again. And again. But nothing crystalized. My answers continued to circle around what I desired, rather than what my life required at that moment. My desires and my needs were so enmeshed I couldn’t tell them apart. For the very first time during my healing sessions I felt utterly lost.

In the ensuing days that question became my homework. I desired lots of things: freedom, financial security, health, fulfilling career, a nice home, a new feline companion, respect, new friends… But I could do well without many of them. They would be nice to have but not essential. One by one I reviewed each of the items. Why did I want it? What did it mean to me? Could I do without it? The questions gradually led me to reflect on the decisions I had made in life, the directions I had pursued. Why did I make those decisions? Clearly they had to be the best options under the circumstances, even if I wasn’t completely satisfied with my choices. What made me stick by or regret those decisions? What did they answer or left unaddressed?

Slowly, a pattern emerged and it became clear why I had lived the way I had. The “wants” and the “needs” became untangled. One of my first reactions was that I felt better about myself and some of the seemingly “unwise” or “regrettable” decisions I had made before. I might not have been consciously aware of my needs but I had always incorporated them without thinking. I did the best I could under most cases.

I patted myself on the shoulder. I wasn’t giving myself enough credit in the past, I needed, among other things, to be kinder to myself. And when I did so I would also be kinder to others.

As the noises of desires died off and my needs quietly emerged, the seeds of my Qi blockages became apparent. Why did I have these needs? Why were they not addressed? Neglected, these requirements became a moss that spread and took over every facet of my life, causing me to slip and fall and pay attention.

It was a moment of epiphany.

When you become aware of your needs, you are treading on the path to health.

The Magic of Everyday Things

Paper towels, bubble wraps, adhesive putty, and rubber balls: these common, everyday objects can work better than prescription drugs.

It remains a mystery to me how Silvia discovered the intriguing effectiveness of using these items. Perhaps she experimented and discovered it, or perhaps she intuited it – Qigong practitioners tend to develop very strong intuition, as I could tell from Craig, Silvia, and another friend who has practiced daily. Regardless of how the properties of these common things became known, the important point is that they are wonderful for helping one connect to and release emotions.

_____________________________

“What comes to mind?” asked Silvia.

“…” I usually had an image or some ideas, but occasionally no matter how I tried my Mind stayed blank.

“Try splitting some putty, as if you are tearing apart the barrier between your Mind and your Gut.”

I started. Some dark shape slowly surfaced. It gradually became an image… In the process I also found that 3M putty worked the best, being more gentle on the fingers.

______________________________

SOS, Silvia. Some shocking news was hard to digest. I texted her one night.

Get a roll of kitchen paper towel and squeeze out your shock / anger / frustration. Think of the emotion when you do that.

Bounty and some brands are more expensive than others, but when you are squeezing hard, you will appreciate getting what you have paid for.

______________________________

Stress balls are really good for what they are supposed to do – help you release your stress. But you need to wash them often, because the negative emotions you let out do linger and saturate these squishy tools.

______________________________

My lower back was hurting.

“It reflects a sense of injustice and a lack of support,” said Silvia. “Squeeze and pop some bubble wraps.”

It was harder than I had thought, but it worked. The pain subsided.

“Try putting some on the floor. Step on and pop them.”

It not only worked. It was also great fun – I feel like a child again!

_____________________________

We can take charge in curing ourselves instead of only relying on drugs and treatments.

When we focus and have the right intention, we can imbue everyday objects with magic.

The Choice is Yours

The process of Qigong healing can be both easy and difficult. It can also be both fun and painful. For some, the process is short and effective, but for others it can be long and fruitless.

It all depends on how you choose.

The healing sessions I went through had two main elements: the first involved direct Qi application, during which my healers applied their energies to my body. The other element involved my actively connecting to, acknowledging, understanding and resolving the negative emotions lodged in my flesh and organs. It was easy to play Passive Betty, dozing off while receiving and feeling the immediate and notable physical impact of Craig’s and Silvia’s powerful Qi. But the deeper, more profound healing needed to come from inside me, through my WILLINGNESS and ABILITY to follow Silvia’s guidance to unlock the emotions jamming my Qi circuits. I have since learned that for some people this inner connection can be difficult, painful, and even fruitless.

The pains plaguing different parts of my body dropped noticeably after I received Qi from Craig and Silvia. During the first two weeks I was so euphoric I thought I would be completely healed before my sixth and last session. But while the pains had dissipated the imprints remained, so that sometimes the discomfort flared up again (but with less intensity) after a week. A few of the emotional blockages in food that Silvia had removed also crept back occasionally when I wasn’t watchful – sometimes after a few weeks, sometimes after a few months. I soon realized that this healing method wasn’t about dumping my problems on my healers, the way one would leave a car with a mechanic, or the way a patient lies on the operating table at the mercy of the surgeon. My healers were certainly very powerful. But they were simply there to assist me, to guide me in healing myself and to stay well. They could flip and correct the directional flow of my life force, and they could remove the symptoms I had generated internally, but to root out the pains I must actively participate with an Open Mind.

During the healing sessions, when I wasn’t playing Passive Betty, I followed Silvia’s guidance to connect to the negative emotions lodged inside my Heart and my Gut. If Silvia saw disappointment lodged in my Gut, or a sense of injustice in my lower back, or a sense of entrapment in head, she would inquire what came to my Mind. Being quite visual in my orientation I usually saw certain images when prompted by her questions, which led to recollections of certain events and people. The questions then became WHY I felt those emotions. One WHY would lead to another, and when I could no longer asked WHY, I finally asked HOW I could address the sentiments or the underlying causes of the negativity.

Often the images that came to my Mind surprised and amused me, because those associations I had made between emotions, people, and events seemed completely random and illogical – an attestation to the complexity of human cognitions. But more importantly, once those associations surfaced and led to resolutions at the deep end, the physical pains in the body also vanished for good. One image after another, I simply followed my Gut and my Heart, allowed my Mind to connect to them, and pursued the clues from these internal pictures. Channel Betty turned out to be far more fascinating and engaging than the History or Discovery Channel.

My healing remains ongoing. I am still asking my self WHYs and HOWs – some issues simply take longer to discover and resolve. And the very nature of my existence means that new negative emotions can arise and I need to process them properly by asking the same questions. But I have acquired the tools, and I could continue and take charge of the process.

Being WILLING and ABLE to connect with the Heart and the Gut is therefore a key to the garden of wellness. It is also the reason why Qigong healing can be both easy and difficult, fun and painful, and effective or fruitless. Acknowledging suppressed feelings in the Heart and the Gut could be difficult, because the emotions could be unpleasant, embarrassing, or painful. It takes courage. Sometimes, our resistance is so strong we may have erected barriers of denial that are impossible to crack. We are creatures of habit, and it is often easier to hide behind our familiar barriers than to confront what we have tried to avoid in the first place. Even if the barriers can be dismantled, it takes time. Having an Open Mind is perhaps a condition for making the process a success.

I could have chosen to rely solely on Craig and Silvia’s Qi and repeatedly return to ask for more of the palliative. That would be no different from relying on prescription drugs. Doing my part required answering some questions – the “homework” between my sessions – as well as staying aware of my Mind, my Heart and my Gut. This called for honesty to myself, it required effort and commitment, as well as patience.

But I made my choice early on to open up and connect.

I am happy with it.

Say It With Gut

When I conceived this blog I asked myself repeatedly if I was ready for the questions and reactions. My eagerness dueled with anxiety and ambivalence. Writing about my healing would amount to climbing on a pedestal to announce my weakness, and the process could delve into the sensitive realm of personal and medical privacy. The exposition could jeopardize my professional prospect, and it would challenge people to accept Qigong healing – something unorthodox, something that even those from the East including myself have only brushed with in martial arts novels, inviting questions about my sanity, credibility and judgment.

Yet the urge to spread the word was like a geyser, too strong to suppress. As I dramatically rebounded from chronic ailments and became aware of what forms they could take and the behavioral signs they posed I observed that practically everyone around me was a walking patient, shouldering health burdens of varying nature. Some were painfully aware of the issues but felt trapped in a maze, others were so deep in their denial they lived in fragile illusions of happiness. Many were not yet physically aware of the issues brewing, and those who were have acquiesced that their back pains, migraines, allergies, heartburns, weight problems, and hypertension were part of living and aging.

We all carry suppressed emotions that could germinate into physical ailments, no one is immune. The longer we live the more emotional and physiological “knots” we accumulate that gradually ferment into physical pain. I was incapable of sending others any Qi to relieve their physical pain the way Silvia and Craig have done for me, but at least I could let people be aware of such an option. And I could share some of the tools and insights I have learned from my own treatment for prevention and to raise awareness.

My treatment entailed Qi assessment followed by physical Qi manipulation by Craig and Silvia. It also involved customized diets. Food testing revealed my physiological issues, and it was the gateway to unearth suppressed emotions. Recognizing and identifying these feelings allowed me to resolve them and let go. The techniques I learned during the process became the tools for prevention, and together with daily Qigong practice I can finish the last mile of healing and strengthen my body.

Ever since I began discussing my recovery many people have opened up about their own physical conditions. A few friends who have not felt any physical symptoms have nonetheless decided to seek similar treatments. Perhaps they were curious about my unusual diet, perhaps they were intrigued by Silvia’s unique gift of seeing Qi. I have so far disclosed little about what followed after my treatment’s initial focus on diet, but these friends are now discovering for themselves one after another the depth and breadth of Qigong healing, often through astonishing insights they glimpse about themselves.

I am sure many skeptics will remain skeptics, and perhaps in the eyes of some people, especially those in the west who do not share my eastern roots, I am just another New Age esotericist, an aspiring “Eat, Pray, Love” protagonist, self-absorbed and indulgent, escaping from midlife crisis by traveling to far corners of the earth looking for exotic spiritual sage till I chanced upon the answer to my pains. I wish my life were that idyllic and carefree. It is impossible for others to empathize what I have physically suffered for what had felt like an eternity, I can only write with the hope that this blog will ripple my knowledge so others can avoid the confusion and desperation I had endured. What doesn’t kill you make you stronger, and in my case it has impelled me to voice what chimes with my Mind, my Heart, and my Gut.

Lucy the Survivor, Lucy the Mother

Two days after I dined with Lucy, my Tai Chi classmate, I had green tea ice cream again and got a horrible reaction. My heart was thumping at 3 a.m., keeping me awake even though my brain and the rest of my body were exhausted. I knew intuitively that green tea ice cream was the culprit, because that was the image that came to mind, and my next thought was Lucy. When I was dining with her she had tried to sway me from green tea ice cream to try a red bean dessert that she claimed wasn’t available elsewhere in NYC. Eager to impress me with her restaurant choice, she was skeptical and cross-examined me when I revealed having already tried the red bean dessert in two other eateries in midtown. She was one tough lady to persuade in many ways.

Feeling drained and fogged from sleep deprivation due to my horrible reaction, I quickly checked my Qi flow with Silvia while holding a drop of milk in my hand. It was indeed blocking the flow of my life force – dairy seemed to be my Achilles heels.

“What comes to mind?” asked Silvia.

“LUCY.”

“And what do you feel?”

“Frustration!”

“That’s it. Now your Qi is flowing again. You need to stay aware of your emotions and name them.”

Lucy, oh dear Lucy. I was stuck, naming you instead of my emotions.

A Polish Holocaust survivor, Lucy moved to New York in 1949 when she was nine. She chose not to remember anything before that year and has been in good health all her life. She is turning 70 in November and only has minor knee problems and slightly above average cholesterol. I was puzzled, wondering how someone with so many consciously suppressed memories could stay in such good physical health.

The answer came after I finished my green tea ice cream, over successive cups of green tea, when she talked about her family.

(Ah, I should check for possible associated emotions with green tea…)

“My 29 year-old daughter began abusing alcohol and substances when she was thirteen, and she has now chosen to live in a buddhist monastery in Northern California to avoid talking to people.”

To avoid talking to people?

“She doesn’t want to talk to me or others, especially about her feelings. She refuses conversations or questions about her emotions. If I asked her how she was feeling she would stammer and say she couldn’t talk about such things.”

What intrigued me more than the daughter’s choice was Lucy’s cool and collected demeanor as she described her daughter and other unfortunate chapters in her family history. She didn’t seem involved, as if she was telling another family’s story. While her daughter spent her prime, youthful years drudging through repeated cycles of substance abuse, rehab, therapy and now escapism, the single mother with a steely will to survive has weathered successive life crisis with detached indifference, control, and mild intrigue about the sufferings of those close to her. The whole week before our dinner, Lucy has been dealing with her 89 year-old mother’s medical emergencies.

“My mother is an unpleasant person,” she said nonchalantly, repeating that description a few times before the end of our rendezvous.

I could not help but intuit a connection between Lucy’s emotional suppression and her daughter’s troubles. Lucy has managed to live a long and “healthy” life, perhaps because her physical health has come at the expense of her daughter’s development and well-being.

“Your daughter sounds like a prime candidate for Qigong healing.” I said so even after Lucy has stubbornly rejected it during the evening. “The treatment is more than physical Qi manipulation. It goes to the root of emotional blockages, connecting a person to her feelings and releasing negativity.”

“Can I have Silvia’s information again?” Her eyes glimmered with a hint of hope.

Lucy the Survivor could reject my logic, but Lucy the Mother could not easily abandon the hope to save her beloved child.